well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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