i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
