toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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