I cannot find my penis.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
