picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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