my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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