This is not my ceiling
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
