I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
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I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
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You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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