I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
