I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she told me i tasted like america
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
