You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
