I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
