remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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