Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
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She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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