good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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