I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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