Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
This toilet bowl is my home.
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