i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
