i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
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Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
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My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
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