apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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