I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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