Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
