lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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