A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
