I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
