Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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