she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
