I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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