I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
