i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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