no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
