If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
