you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It was confusing and full of hummus
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
