I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
