i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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