There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
