someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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