Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
