Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
