There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just invented taco cereal.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
