Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
