I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
