guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
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