two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
