I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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