First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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