last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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