his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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