My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
This baby is an asshole
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
