They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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