Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
