Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
