Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
