i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
