I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Is it penis luge time yet?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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