he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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