I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
