smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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