just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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