i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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