the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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