textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize