This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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