Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
the condom got lost in my hair
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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