True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
