I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
