Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
