Christians are straight up FREAKS
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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